Whose Approval I Need the Most

Challenging my beliefs and self-image is my answer, to stop judging myself by internalizing the judgment of others – past and present.  Learning to live with the pain of losing my daughter brought observations about who I am and my resilience.

I experience ME more than anyone else in my life. The emotions that arise when a frightening or painful event happens are within me. They are invisible to people around me, they change nothing outside of me during those moments. My judgment about a certain experience dictates my heartbeat and how I see myself within the context of the event. Ultimately my emotions bring about action or no action that shapes how I see myself and my place in this world. I am not responsible for emotions that surface but I AM responsible for my actions and how I treat myself and others as I sometimes wrestle with life’s learning experiences.

I have been reminded recently that every new challenge serves as an initiation: I meet discouragement; I overcome discomfort and frustration; and I ultimately find what I have been searching for to continue my spiritual path. I have moments of sadness and pain and sometimes useless actions when I rely on solutions from the past. Deep down in my heart I know there is something more. There is something I am not seeing, something I am not doing on a grander spiritual level. That is what drives me to search deeper and eventually be grateful that the experienced challenged me.

I often call such an experience the “tail end of a fear dragon”. A swat in the face when I least expect it. That is often the dragon of fear of rejection but the good news is that it is walking away. My fear is fueled by my beliefs and perception and that often sets me up for suffering. To be alive and live life fully as ourselves is the greatest fear of the human race. We learn to survive by becoming what others want and to satisfy our belonging. The greatest dragon I have to slay is not rejecting myself and who I am. Finding that love and peace for ME propels me on a path of non-resistance to life and erases my fear of the actions of others – erases my fear of the future.

Leave a comment below if this resonates with you and you have wisdom to share with me about how you overcame a fear of rejection.

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Living in Fear or Faith?

Faith: a firm belief in something for which there is no proof

Fear: an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.

The majority of our decisions are based on past experience and emotional reaction to fear of future pain. It takes discipline and practice to live in the moment, not obeying the past or worrying about tomorrow. When I persevere with trust in life’s process, a door opens to a space I never dreamed existed. I smile at times when I asked for a piece of bread and find myself in the middle of a bread factory.

In 2001 I was living my worst nightmare driving from Chattanooga to Joann’s cabin after receiving the phone call telling me my daughter was no longer alive. It was riveting as I heard my voice beg Joann for help. I no longer had any faith in a loving and protecting God.

My spiritual life up to that moment was one of contradictions. I prided myself as being a woman of faith, but within reason. I eventually realized that I stood at a spiritual fork in the road and the remainder of my journey depended on one decision. Would I become a woman of faith or fear? As a woman of faith I knew I had to believe in something beyond my touch and experience. As a woman of fear I would always live on the edge of madness, since fear reaches out and destroys.

These are the hard spiritual questions I asked myself and the answers I discovered during my journey to a deeper and renewed faith:

HOW DO I SEE MYSELF?
The answer goes a long way in determining the quality of life that I experience. Believing that I am inadequate can cripple me and cause me to miss some of the most spectacular experiences of my life. Hard days and decisions I made in the past can build gateways to spiritual growth. There is no such thing as a bad decision or emotion if it ultimately connects me with myself and your Source.

AM I WILLING TO RELEASE JUDGING MYSELF AND MY EMOTIONS AS RIGHT OR WRONG?
Judgment in itself carries a very low vibration that affects my ability to receive the answers I am seeking. The term “you can’t get there from here” truly applies to this situation. From this new perspective I live life in the moment with sincerity and marvel at my existence. I have the awareness that I am a spiritual being learning through human experiences on earth.

AM I WILLING TO LET GO OF EMOTIONAL BARRICADES THAT SERVED ME WELL IN THE PAST?
Releasing any emotional defense can feel like I am saying good-bye to an old friend as I freefall in the air with no net below. When I am not anxious to see far down the road or become overly concerned with my next step, I become aware of spiritual assistance in my life that if trusted lands me safely in magnificent terrain. I am then guided along a divine path to help me overcome dependencies and expectations.

AM I WILL TO LET LIFE FLY ME INSTEAD OF BEING THE PILOT?
It is OK to turn on my Automatic Pilot. I will travel through uncharted territories of my soul and re-learn truths I hold dear to my heart but have forgotten. This allows me to regain strength and wisdom by following maps that are clear to me in the moment and yet invisible to my eyes. I am given the opportunity to become a master of seeing the total landscape surrounding an event taking place in my life.

CAN I BELIEVE IN MIRACLES?
People often say I have extraordinary experiences with the spiritual realm but in fact awakenings and messages are happening for all of us throughout our journeys. Living with an open heart and mind gives us access to this wise and loving energy.

Please comment below if this helped you along your journey in any way.  I’d love to hear from you.

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Trust the Process

The precious moment of stillness between my grandson Kyle and Tosha.

Process:  a natural phenomenon marked by gradual changes that lead toward a particular result.

Today’s world has become a fast pace/I want it now phenomenon.  Patience is the key to trusting my journey but that can feel like stepping back in time, a time when sitting quietly and observing was an important part of the day.

Experiences are utilized by Life in order to help a person gain spiritual empowerment and highlight what is most valued.  A process can have many experiences and an experience can shape-shift many times before completion.   It is important for me to trust that my heart will discover disguised blessings when events made no logical sense in that moment.

Being motivated spiritually, I came to understand that with this motivation many challenging events are usually dealt with in a lifetime. The courage to embrace emotions throughout such experiences is a major key for me to learn more of “who I am”.  The confidence that I remain present in my life during crises and not desert myself emotionally is essential.  How I see myself with honesty determines how I respond to life. With nonjudgmental honesty comes a new freedom. When I am willing to open my heart, Truth provides answers to my questions and solutions to problems.

While writing my book, I lost two days of notes and edits. I was afraid my revelations in those pages were gone. Once I had my fill of panic and other negative emotions, I took a deep breath and played with my dog, trusting that my answer would come. An hour later the answer came in an eloquent whisper, “You have not lost the words. Previously you heard truths that offered you hope and you stored those truths in your mind. Memory can fail you and you forget. Today you are living the truths and they are stored in your heart. You can summon them whenever you want. Relax and trust yourself. Once you live truth, you do not have to remember it. It is who you are; you cannot reverse consciousness.”

Life is not about evolving – it is about creating. Be who you are this moment.

What aspect of your life do you try to control, not trusting life’s process for the outcome?

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Open Your Heart and Expect Miracles

Your loving intent and bravery diminishes illusions and YOU KNOW THAT A PROCESS IS COMPLETE WHEN YOU EXPERIENCE A TRUE CONNECTION WITH YOURSELF AND YOUR CREATOR.  From this new perspective you will live life in the moment with sincerity and experience a freedom to look above, below and beyond any horizons and let life carry you in its arms. – Payment for Passage

The Perfect Moment

Living in the moment and flowing with life has been essential for me the past few weeks.   Once today, I strengthened my spiritual muscles by overcoming a “come apart” moment.  After talking with a loving friend on the phone, I closed my eyes, breathed deeply and remembered that I ONLY EVER EXPERIENCE MYSELF IN EVERY MOMENT.  It is up to me – my future, my being, my life is up to me and nobody else. I have the choice of just killing time in pain and anger or living with an open heart while I expect miracles.  BTW, this winter I would consider sunshine in Tennessee a miracle .

I interact moment to moment with what I perceive as reality and how I feel during that flash of time depends on how I choose to respond and my attitude.  Last weekend my car broke down in the middle of another town.    I paused, called someone for help, called a wrecker service, walked 2 blocks to take care of why I was in the town.  I then walked back to my car and not having to interact with traffic, relaxed as I waited for someone to come get me and enjoyed watching life happen around me in the parking lot.   At times, living truly as ME involves getting angry (like today) but once that emotion serves its purpose, I thank it for teaching me something about myself and ask it to leave.

I loving being peaceful but also realize I am here to learn through human emotions.   I believe that everything has a purpose and beauty and this belief assures me that no matter what, I will always be OK and well cared for.

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Do you live in your head or from your heart?

I learn new truths when I am ready and brave enough to live them.

While writing my book, I lost two days of notes and edits. I was afraid my revelations in those pages were gone. Once I had my fill of panic and other negative emotions, I took a deep breath and played with my dog, trusting that my answer would come. An hour later the answer came in an eloquent whisper:

“Mom, you have not lost the words. Previously you heard truths that offered you hope and you stored those truths in your mind. Memory can fail you and you forget. Today you are living the truths and they are stored in your heart. You can summon them whenever you want. Relax and trust yourself. Once you live truth, you do not have to remember it. It is who you are; you cannot reverse consciousness.” – Payment for Passage

Questions to Ponder:

1. When you make a choice, do you feel at peace or continue to question what you want?
2. When you speak with someone do you look into their eyes and listen or as they are talking try to decide what to say when they are finished?
3. When you answer someone, do your words flow effortlessly or do you make sure you are saying the right thing and feel stuck at times?
4. During an experience, does life seem to flow and time is meaningless or do you watch the clock and anticipate when the experience will end?
5. Do you feel peaceful emotions throughout your body or do you develop a headache or tightness in your chest?
6. When you cry, do your tears feel warm or cold?
7. During a challenging experience, do you respond with confidence or react with second thoughts later?
8. When getting dressed in the morning, do you visualize how others will see you or focus on being comfortable in your own skin?
9. When you feel moved to take action, does your face feel light and peaceful or tight and tense?

Suggestions:

• Try to RELEASE the temptation of JUDGING YOURSELF AND YOUR EMOTIONS AS RIGHT OR WRONG. Judgment in itself carries a very low vibration that affects your ability to receive the answers you are seeking. The term “you can’t get there from here” truly applies to this situation.
• Throughout the day say to yourself, “Where am I? (Here) What Time is it? (Now)

 Be yourself and live well.

Please leave a comment below and share a goal for living that you plan to begin just for today…and then the days will mount up into a lifetime.

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My Bucket List

Reflecting on my Bucket List began 48 hours ago (strangely enough) in a doctor’s office waiting for my yearly physical examination. My experiences with wonderful people since then have opened my heart to explore this list in full spiritual retrospect. I need interaction with others to see life in 3D. Sometimes I don’t see clearly and I need your eyes to refocus my observations. Sometimes I am not fully present in the moment and your words or actions bring me back into the only reality there is, the moment and what I value in life.

As I waited for my name to be called Monday I was a little anxious since my previous doctor retired and I was to see someone new. The tests were completed after a few hours and a gentle, kind man walked toward me and called my name. Boy was I in for a great surprise. My new doctor would also become a valued fellow-traveler on my spiritual path.

He reported positive results from my tests and said my breathing test had improved from “substantial obstruction” to “minimal obstruction” since a year ago. I quickly remembered one of the things on my bucket list – stop smoking. I had been caught by my grandson smoking when my other grandson was stranded in the woods at a dirt bike race. Not wanting to be a bad influence, I threw the pack away and told Kyle that was it, I would quit smoking. I have texted him every evening to report my progress and doing that has made the process very easy. In just 10 days remarkable changes have already begun in my physical health. But the best was yet to come. Telling Dr. Donahue about putting down the cigarettes for my grandsons brought the response, “You will like my latest blog”. As I left his office, he handed me a card with his blog and website URLs and the name of a book he had written.  After reading his blog post last night, I realize I am a “coffee bean”! and very proud of it. Read the story, it is wonderful. Carrots, Eggs or Coffee, Which Are You?
http://www.messengersindenim.com/carrots-eggs-or-coffee-which-are-you/

Then I read a blog post this morning by a beautiful young woman I have recently met and grown to love that focused on a word that is the foundation for all the items I have completed on my bucket list such as write a book about Joann’s life, ride 50 miles on my bike, retire on my terms, speak at US Justice System conferences, etc.  The word is BRAVE.  Read her post, it is very inspiring.

http://www.myepilepsystory.org/whats-your-reason-to-be-brave/

Here’s what is left on my bucket list:

1. Have Josh Groban sing a song just for me in person
2. Learn to play the electric guitar
3. Write a second book
4. Dance just one more dance with the cowboy I was married to for 14 years
5. Play with my great-grandchildren

Leave what you have on YOUR bucket list in the comment section below.  I would love to hear from you.

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Music Soothes the Soul

How many of you can remember every word to a song you liked in high school but cannot remember why you walked into a certain room today?

Music has a way of taking you to a magical place you cannot reach any other way. It methodically surrounds you with the moment while putting your body in a rhythm that closely resembles the beat of your heart. I find it to be just the right spiritual tool when nothing else eases my mind. I hope you enjoy a few of the songs that carry me into a higher spiritual realm.

I am sure I will be adding to the list. I am always given a resource for peace when I ask for help.  If you have a song that has soothed your soul please share it in the comment section of the page.

Joann saw John Denver at a live concert, sitting on the front row at age 4.  This was always her favorite song – It was the last song everyone heard at her funeral – I could feel her spirit soaring in the sky as we were about to lay her body into the ground.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nf7qEvXBW_k

Encouragement

Josh Groban – Brave
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=63BnhyTQJlw

Kathy Mattea – Only Heaven Knows
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ph6lAggq62g

Tenors – Lead With Your Heart
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_En2FVuIzhM

Tenors – Forever Young
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9E6-AYce-_M

Enya – Only Time
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h348HGTm1uk

Jana Stanfield – If I Were Brave
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UF5V2PEujqs

Jana Stanfield – Your True Calling
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p5y0p-CjkVc

Jana Stanfield – I’m Not Lost, I am Exploring
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3vwekshBtyg

Tenors – The Perfect Gift
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tRovL3nvQOM

Tenors – Instrument of Your Peace
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vjla_FHNIWA

Tenors – Halleluiah
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LTx8IGPwrIk

Josh Groban – You Raise Me up
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6VqRlO3wa1A

Templeton Thompson – Guardian Angel
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=USWsRL_mGGU

If you are uncertain

Josh Groban – Hollow Talk (There’s never been bad
There has always been truth)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HOrZ5NHQpVQ&list=UUZs1jDLdpy7_UJD4fu0Iuxg

Josh Groban – I Believe When I Fall in Love It Will Be Forever
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XSLE4chWSKE

Josh Groban – The Prayer
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ckH3V_xOCnQ

Tenors – You Anchor Me
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qqsiHRCuJdo

Templeton Thompson – We’re All on Our Way Somewhere
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e8iL_vguVcQ

Templeton Thompson – I Can Do This
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0WN98Ku4Dxw

If you have lost that special someone

Celine Dion – Because You Love Me
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VTxnqUhhlIY

Josh Groban To Where You Are
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fIAQCiMIEEQ

Share a song below that has gotten you through a hard spot in your journey or lifted you to an higher rung of your spiritual ladder.

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Living in the Here and Now

You are the only one that holds the secret of who you really are. The purpose of my blog site is to assist you in discovering truths about yourself that you hold deep within your heart and soul. Those truths can empower you and lead toward a rewarding and peaceful life. You only find those truths if you are immersed in the moment. If you are regretting or worried, you are not living your life.

What is the significance of living in the moment?

Life only happens in the moment. Truth only reveals itself in the moment. Solutions to problems only occur in the moment. Your heart interprets and feels what is happening right here and right now. For example, when you tell someone they touched your heart, when did that take place? It happened in the space and time that someone made a kind gesture or expressed something meaningful to you…not before and not after.

Your perception of yourself drives your vision and decisions every moment of the day. That perception may be filled with illusions and defenses that have been useful at times in the past, but are restricting you from making wise and empowering choices today. Little by little you can shed those illusions and connect with the person you were born to be, right here and right now. This site may be a safe place to begin sharing your journey with others in an authentic way.  I would love to hear from you in the comment section below.

How Payment for Passage Can Help

Through her process of surviving and healing, Janie reminds us that we are all on an unchartered journey. In this journey we will encounter all kinds of experiences. Some will bring us incredible highs; others will bring us to our knees in despair. Underscoring the importance of living in the moment, she offers us a proven formula that helped her and will indeed help us, if we trust it and follow it. She shows us that living in fear is NOT living at all and we can overcome it. I know this because for several years, I suffered with crippling fear that gave me one panic attack after another and made sleeping impossible. Moreover, I was consumed with regret about everything I did or even did not do. I was desperate, but with no income, help was simply unaffordable. Janie’s road map for healing and living life the way it was intended made me whole again. This is not just a story of one woman’s heartache and healing, it is a handbook for the journey in life every one of us takes.  -Review from a reader.

What a tragedy if fear keeps you from being yourself on earth ……… and as a result you do not truly exist. Being in the moment and emotionally present throughout your journey determines whether you are killing time or living a rewarding life.  -Payment for Passage

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Living in the Moment

Introduction, PAYMENT FOR PASSAGE

Overwhelmed with unrelenting grief and regret after Joann’s death, I fixated on what I could have done to prevent so much pain. In my attempt to keep her memory alive with a book, I was forced to refocus. The title came to me immediately, but I struggled with the content. I had no idea what was true in my life anymore after losing all faith. I was the soul missing in action, not my daughter. After staring at a blank computer screen for days I cried, “I give up. Joann, please help me!” To my amazement I began typing the following words under the title:

Mom, just start typing with no reasoning, no judgment and no expectations. If you write the book with faith and no plan of what the book should say, you will learn the meaning of your life. You will have all the encouragement, wisdom and guidance you need as you find this meaning for yourself. If a company publishes your book and keeps my memory alive, that is wonderful, but the first intent of this book must be your own healing. As your love for yourself grows during your healing your truths will ripple into the lives of others in many ways. The book may be one of them.

Does some fear keep you from living in the moment?  Please share with me any answer that feels right to you in the comment box below.

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