Challenging my beliefs and self-image is my answer, to stop judging myself by internalizing the judgment of others – past and present. Learning to live with the pain of losing my daughter brought observations about who I am and my resilience.
I experience ME more than anyone else in my life. The emotions that arise when a frightening or painful event happens are within me. They are invisible to people around me, they change nothing outside of me during those moments. My judgment about a certain experience dictates my heartbeat and how I see myself within the context of the event. Ultimately my emotions bring about action or no action that shapes how I see myself and my place in this world. I am not responsible for emotions that surface but I AM responsible for my actions and how I treat myself and others as I sometimes wrestle with life’s learning experiences.
I have been reminded recently that every new challenge serves as an initiation: I meet discouragement; I overcome discomfort and frustration; and I ultimately find what I have been searching for to continue my spiritual path. I have moments of sadness and pain and sometimes useless actions when I rely on solutions from the past. Deep down in my heart I know there is something more. There is something I am not seeing, something I am not doing on a grander spiritual level. That is what drives me to search deeper and eventually be grateful that the experienced challenged me.
I often call such an experience the “tail end of a fear dragon”. A swat in the face when I least expect it. That is often the dragon of fear of rejection but the good news is that it is walking away. My fear is fueled by my beliefs and perception and that often sets me up for suffering. To be alive and live life fully as ourselves is the greatest fear of the human race. We learn to survive by becoming what others want and to satisfy our belonging. The greatest dragon I have to slay is not rejecting myself and who I am. Finding that love and peace for ME propels me on a path of non-resistance to life and erases my fear of the actions of others – erases my fear of the future.
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